Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
