Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
