so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
