Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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