Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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