I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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