I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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