My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
it was like eating out sand paper
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
