I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Vodka?
Forever.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
