Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
