There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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