I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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