There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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