I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
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