I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
