My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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