just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
