My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
