my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
