I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
