take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
