Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Randomize