Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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