Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
