if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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