Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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