I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Randomize
