I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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