You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
