i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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