the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Just pee around me
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
