Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
