Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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