I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
