Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
