I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
