Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
