very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Please don't give away my fajitas
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
