I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
