I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I am one with the molecules
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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