my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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