My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
