Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
