i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
do herpes really smell.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
