Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
