Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
