I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
im on a boat
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