What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
