he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
