My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
