I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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