Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
