I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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