When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
