when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
