her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize