im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
