Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
