I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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